Mr. President, Would You Answer a Few Questions Please?

I heard on the radio this afternoon that tonight President Bush is going to have a press conference. Wow! This is major news.

Allow me to editoralize for a moment. In my 35 years of following the news and following the activities of the most important person in America, I have not seen any president that does not hold press conferences and does not communicate to the people of America as much as President George W. Bush. Why is that? My strong opinion is that he doesn't trust the press and he doesn't feel that he has to communicate to the American people. He has created his own channels of communications that he can control. Yet, he was re-elected. It is mind boggling to me.

For this special occasion tonight, I have created my list of important questions that will never be asked and will never be answered. Yes, these questions are loaded, but I challenge anyone to convince me that they aren't fair. Afterall, I would be respectful while asking!

Mr. President, with all due respect.......

1. Without using the buzz term "War on Terror", Would you please give us an update on the criminal investigation and capture of Osama Bin Laden and other top Al Qadea terrorists? A follow-on question: With "never" and "once a decade" not being acceptable, at what intervals can we expect future updates?

2. When you said "those who harbour them" did you mean that you would go into any country to capture Al Qadea? A follow-on question: Why do we not have 200,000 troops in Pakistan instead of Iraq?

3. If I can go on the internet and download software from NASA that allows me to see a zoom picture of my bar-b-que grill from a satellite, why can we not zoom in on Osama's ugly nose?

4. Between yourself and O. J. Simpson, who do you think will find the "real killers" first?

5. When you were in the Texas Air National Guard you kept the skies over the Lone Star State safe. The Coast Guard keeps the coasts safe. Why is the Kentucky National Guard keeping Iraq safe?

6. Given the fact that there are financial, drug, labor, cultural and homeland security issues, why are you not doing your job and enforcing the already exisiting laws to protect our borders?

7. Why in over 5 years have you never openly held any of your staff accountable for failures in performance? Follow-on question: In your administration, is the dog wagging the tail or is the tail wagging the dog? Additional follow-on question: Does the dog-tail question confuse you?

8. My definition of a real war are things like World War I & World War II or maybe the Civil War. We called Korea and Vietnam "police actions". To me the "War on Terror" and the "Cultural War" are not really wars. What do you think, Mr. President? Aren't they more like abstract goals or initiatives to fix some really bad things that need fixin'? How is the "War on Terror" any different than the "War on Poverty" or the "War on Drugs"? Is it because if you called it "The initiative to patch the holes in our countrie's defenses" you wouldn't be able to spend as much of the taxpayers money on whatever you wanted to do?

9. Who do you think has a better chance of capturing Osama; Arnold, Rambo and James Bond looking for him in his top secret hiding place or the Kentucky National Guard while protecting Iraqi convoys in Baghdad?

10. When you key in Osama's name in your PDA, do you spell it like the rest of the world or do you spell it 'Usama' like they do at FoxNews? A follow-on question: Do you know why FoxNews spells it differently?

"What???? You are having me arrested by the Secret Service? Mr. President....please don't have me sent to Guantanamo Bay. Mr. President, I won't even get a trial there....I'm sorry, Mr. President....I was just funnin' you with questions #9 & #10! I'll even call you W.....argggggggh"

That's enough for this press conference, Mr. President. Since this is your first "press conference" in over a year, I am certain that you have your agenda and that my questions aren't on it. I bet we will mostly hear about how you are going to save social security and how you need our help on the rising gas prices. Afterall, this really isn't a "press conference" anyway is it?

I hope I don't have to choose between you and "Survivor" tonight. I am sure CBS will make the right decision. Afterall, your people took care of that scoundrel, Dan Rather didn't they?

where have you gone Sam Donaldson, a nation turns it lonely eyes to you.
woo, woo, woo!
what's that you say Mrs. Donaldson, "doubting Sam" has left and gone away?
hey, hey, hey!